Having the Tough Conversation

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No water what station or your chosen business path. At some point this year you are going to need to have a tough conversation. This can be with a boss, a subordinate, or a colleague. This conversation could be a one-on -one, or it could be with you and an entire team. Sometime these conversations are necessary only because people have different point of views, different opinions, or different thought processes. Many times, in these conversations’ emotions will override logic or evidence. Many times, a person or group can feel they are being attacked, triggering a fight, flight, or freeze response.

No matter what your profession or level in your company, at some point you’re going to have to initiate a “difficult conversation” with a boss, co-worker or colleague. This conversation could be between you and one person, or it could be between you and an entire group of people. It’s a conversation where each party has an opinion and a perspective, and they’re all very different. So, what makes these conversations so difficult? Often, they are emotionally charged conversations, and as such, people have a tendency to get hooked by their emotions and to react rather than respond. Or it’s a conversation where someone feels verbally attacked and the person’s fight or flight response kicks in, which escalates the conversation and makes it difficult immediately.

Some Examples of tough conversations are: Talking to a friend or coworker about a blind spot in their work, giving your supervisor feedback, that is not all wine and roses, Critiquing someone work, talking to a member of your team who is not keep up agreed upon expectations, pointing out unprofessional or bad behavior, discussing shortcoming that are having a negative impact on the team.

While this could go on for days. The real tough conversations are the ones that are not expected.

Regardless of the theme of the tough conversations, they are had to initiate especially when there is a lot resting on the project, team, or individual. They get even tougher when you actually like the person you must confront. Some people can go week, months, years without having the tough conversation that is needed, other lean into it, but then approach it in a manner that guarantees that it escalates into a standoff. A better option is to approach it with an attitude of dialogue and facilitation. It is easier to solve an issue together than to try and correct someone. So how do we have good tough conversations. Well first let talk about some realizations.

1. Realize tough conversations are a part of life, of your job, and being in authentic relationships.

2. Realize that outsourcing to your boss or a coworker is not a real solution, and often leaves a worse situation

3. Realize that the longer you wait the worse the situation will be

4. Realize that is you have the conversation in the right way you are actually helping the person you’re speaking with.

Now we talk about process.

1. Determine that the conversations are needed and you will be the person wh

o have it done.

2. Write down the truth that must be kindly communicated.

3. Be prepared to have that conversations until you are satisfied of one of two things: You have successfully communicated the truth, or you are satisfied that you have been incorrect about this other person.

4. Make an appointment with the other person, Face to face is best in a Casual setting. Do not ambush them. Be sure to give them a heads up of the topic you want to discuss. (Note: judge how much time to give them, some people will stew and be unproductive if they know a difficult conversation is headed towards them).

5. Speak the kind truth! Speak form the heart. Use First person as much as you can. Make sure you give them room to respond or disagree. Use friendly open language, not parental or accusatory.

6. Schedule a follow up. Be sure to add an invitation to have more conversation with this person. After a tough conversation some people might need to reflect. Give them that space.

Tough Conversations are opportunities to build a partnership and your team. They are a way to add value to people, your team, and your organizations. They are not fun, but if you Determine to have them, plan them, and speak the kind truth, they are a way to a brighter future. For more help check out the Tough Conversation Preparation sheet.